According to a preliminary estimate, GDP growth in the UK slowed to 0.3 per cent in the first quarter of 2015, with output in the construction sector falling for the second consecutive quarter. My question to the panel is: what do you think of the new Blur album?
David Cameron: Let me be clear. Since I took office in 2010, the number of new Blur albums has shot up, from zero new Blur albums under Gordon Brown to a high of one new Blur album under this Government. That’s an increase of an impressive infinity per cent. But there’s more work to be done. That’s why the next Conservative government will invest £8billion to ensure that Damon Albarn can write a stage musical about Bagpuss with a Namibian flute ensemble.
Ed Miliband: Now, look. The reality is this. David Cameron talks about how much he loves the new Blur album. But if he wins a majority he will slash Blur to the bare bones. Under secret Tory plans, Graham Coxon will be outsourced to the private sector, Damon Albarn sold off to George Osborne’s schoolfriends, and the drummer abolished altogether – leaving Blur with just Alex James, Phil Daniels, and the Page 3 girls being chased around a giant board game in the Country House video. I’m sorry, but I think that’s the wrong priority for chart-friendly alternative rock music with an occasional world music influence.
Nick Clegg: Call me old-fashioned, but I love Blur. Over-rated mockney chancers. By far my favourite Britpop band. Always preferred Oasis. New album’s a glorious return to form. Nothing but boring middle-aged ballads. It’s 10 out of 10 from me. Zero stars. And that’s very much what the Liberal Democrats have been saying all along.
It has been estimated that without additional investment the NHS will face a funding gap of £30billion by 2020-21. My question is: what did the panel think of Princess the canine hypnotist on Britain’s Got Talent?
David Cameron: Let me be clear. For 13 years, Ed Miliband and Ed Balls wrecked Britain’s Got Talent. And – with the help of Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon – they’d do it again. Only a vote for the Conservatives can secure a competent canine hypnotist – with a beagle magician and a fire-eating shih tzu by 2020.
Ed Miliband: Now, look. I’m going to answer this very directly. Millions of everyday working families up and down this country are deeply worried about Simon Cowell getting hypnotised by a dog. Because the reality is, under this Conservative Government, only the very richest can afford to be hypnotised by a four-year-old German Spitz on primetime television. That’s why Labour is proposing a tax on the wealthiest five per cent of talent show judges in order to fund a St Bernard that can saw a woman in half on a high wire above the Thames.
Nick Clegg: Call me old-fashioned, but I love canine hypnotists. The whole thing was a pathetic gimmick. I enjoyed every second. I wasn’t taken in for a moment. Harmless family entertainment. An appalling example of dumbing-down. And I’m sorry, but you won’t change my mind about that.
UK government debt currently stands at over £1.5trillion, or 81.6 per cent of total GDP, and is growing at a rate of £5,170 per second. What I want to know is: why is the royal baby so late?
David Cameron: Let me be clear. A vote for the Conservatives is a vote for shorter royal gestation periods. If I’m in Downing Street, I’ll pass a law to guarantee that the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth at least four times a year – rising to five times a year by 2020. That’s the kind of security you’ll get with a Conservative government – unlike the chaos we saw under Labour, when the Duchess didn’t give birth once in 13 years.
Ed Miliband: Now, look. The reality is this. The Conservatives’ extreme plan to cut royal gestation periods will cause unnecessary pain and suffering for millions of ordinary royal families. Labour is offering a better plan, with common-sense reductions in the amount of time Kay Burley has to twiddle her thumbs outside a private maternity unit vox-popping tourists about placentas. That’s why Labour is the only party with a fully costed plan to ensure a royal baby for every school-leaver who gets the required grades.
Nick Clegg: Call me old-fashioned, but I love standing around outside the Lindo Wing. Total waste of time. Makes you proud to be British. When are we as a nation going to grow up? I wish our future king and queen all the happiness in the world. Burn down the palace and stick their heads on spikes. And I’m sorry, but I’m sticking to my guns on that.